Alan Sondheim

My failures

I have failed to find a calling.
I have failed to live in Japan for any length of time.
I have failed to learn Chinese, Japanese, Assyrian.
I have failed to accept the darkness within me.
I have failed to learn higher mathematics.
I have failed life and I have not learned how to fail death.
I have failed in bravery and have settled for the role of coward.
I have failed to overcome my laziness.
I have failed to stop my obsessive behavior.
I have failed to not admire addictions.
I have failed in four marriages.
I have failed to face death.
I have failed to overcome depression.
I have failed in becoming anything identifiable.
I have failed learning how to be other than a dilettante.
I have failed healing myself or healing anyone else.
I have failed not to be jealous of the success of others.
I have failed to overcome my fear of death.
I have failed to discriminate between weeds and vermin and good plants and creatures.
I have failed to stop writing begging letters.
I have failed to like human beings as a whole.
I have failed to eliminate my self-centeredness.
I have failed learning electronics in depth.
I have failed to learn the depths of any musical instrument.
I have failed my parents.
I have failed in learninng Anglo-Saxon.
I have failed my friends.
I have failed to study biochemistry.
I have failed to not be a nuisance.
I have failed to forgive.
I have failed knowing when to berate myself.
I have failed to be the perfect partner for Azure.
I have failed seeing the glory of a god or any other deity.
I have failed to take care of myself.
I have failed to listen to others.
I have failed in my passive aggressiveness.
I have failed to believe in the goodness of human beings.
I have failed to believe in the soul.
I have failed to become a theorist.
I have failed to learn string theory and elementary particle theory.
I have failed in my abject sexuality.
I have failed to travel to China or India.
I have failed learning how to throw the discus properly.
I have failed to assert myself nicely.
I have failed this.
I have failed to not berate myself.
I have failed to comprehend calculus.
I have failed to meditate.
I have failed to be selfless.
I have failed to avoid mourning.
I have failed to understand quantum field theory.
I have failed to curtail my silent weeping.
I have failed to learn to sing.
I have failed learning how to live and do the simplest things.
I have failed learning how to live for others.
I have failed learning how to live in an empty universe.
I have failed to be included in any major shows or galleries.
I have failed so many people in so many different ways.
I have failed to learn Sanskrit and Tibetan.
I have failed as a father and failed my daughter who has failed me.
I have failed to understand infinitesimals and surreal numbers.
I have failed to believe in inherent goodness.
I have failed to learn proper intonation.
I have failed to remain at any university for any length of time.
I have failed to ask forgiveness.
I have failed to accept failure.
I have failed my true nature.
I have failed to become spiritual.
I have failed to accept technophilia.
I have failed learning how not to be scared.
I have failed knowing how not to berate myself.
I have failed to learn how to live well.
I have failed to get a doctorate.
I have failed to believe in God or any spirit.
I have failed to become a poet.
I have failed to create a comfortable life for myself.
I have failed to understand the connection between physics and mathematics.
I have failed to have a good night's sleep in my life.
I have failed to publish a book of philosophy.
I have failed to not overcome hopelessness.
I have failed my father just for being alive.
I have failed to be accepted for who I am.
I have failed to speak out forcefully for Tibet.
I have failed to not be bored.
I have failed turning berating into positive change.
I have failed my mother for not becoming a professional.
I have failed to mourn without mourning myself.
I have failed becoming a videomaker or musician.
I have failed to not appear crazy or eccentric.
I have failed to edit my creative work.
I have failed to overcome an identity crisis always gnawing at me.
I have failed in my philosophical writing.
I have failed overcoming guilt.
I have failed apology.
I have failed everyone and everything.
I have failed saving anyone.
I have failed myself.
I have failed becoming known as a theorist or writer.
I have failed to find a gallery for my work.
I have failed in my interactive writing.
I have failed to learn computer programming in any depth.
I have failed to unite the broken branches of our extended family.
I have failed to eliminate nightmares from my life.
I have failed to release myself from this life.
I have failed to not feel grotesque.
I have failed to secure a group of students now.
I have failed to face my true nature.
I have failed to be accepted as an artist in any group.
I have failed to create an audience for my work.
I have failed to totally eliminate suicidal thoughts.
I have failed to comprehend Buddhism fully.
I have failed learning how to turn the other cheek.
I have failed constantly in my music.
I have failed to be anything but a bad hire.
I have failed to accept and overcome the horror of the world.
I have failed in my relationships except for Azure.
I have failed to financially sustain myself to any degree.

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